"ANYTHING THAT WE HAVE TO HIDE HAS POWER OVER US!!!
I was a prostitute in the escort services in LAS VEGAS, (the public calls it "HIGH CLASS CALL GIRL") in the casinos, on the street, and I was an exotic dancer in the clubs. I did everything that you can imagine, saw and met people that I would never have thought would have even "ordered" a girl. MANY of them were very famous stars and influential people in society... I lived this lifestyle for over 11 years... and it just didn't happen overnight.
I was actually a "goodie two shoes" when I was growing up, I got very good grades in school and I always followed the "rules"--in fact you would considered me a "type A" personality. So how did the "good girl" eventually turn into a "bad girl"?
It all started when I was a little girl. I never felt really loved; there was abuse in my childhood that lowered my self-esteem to the degree that I became desperate for love. I tell you, I felt very rejected and broken-hearted all the time. When you are told a certain thing you are as a child, you tend to believe it. Point blank, I couldn't love my self, and did not think anyone else loved me. I didn't feel that I deserved it.
My first sexual experience happened with a close friend of mine when I was eight years old. I didn't know this was abuse at the time, but the truth of the matter is that I was violated. As a "family duty" I went to church every week, but because of the hypocrisy in the church and in my home, I couldn't really believe God was kind, so I hid my secret and feelings inside me. I also assumed that if God was somehow real, He was very angry at me! In other words... I imagined God with a big hammer getting ready to smash me if I did something wrong! I started to RESENT GOD and especially THE CHURCH...I could not trust anyone!
Relationships? Huh!!! Couldn't manage to keep ANY because I was so messed up on the inside. As I grew up, I went to seven different schools because our family moved around so much. It was very difficult, and coming to each school as the "new" girl wearing garage sale clothing...well let's just say that kids back then could be very cruel if you were not rich, popular, and "perfect." A lot of the time, I felt very "rejected".
In high school it was considered "cool" to have sex. Even though this seemed true, I was still ,a virgin at 18. It did not last long, because my boyfriend at that time convinced me that if we had sex, we would become so much closer and he would "love" me more. I was 18 years old and knew NOTHING about the consequences of sex before marriage! I only slept with him because I didn't want to lose him! I loved this man and wanted to get married... but unfortunately he had an appetite for other woman and we broke up. Why did he lie to me??? I didn't get it! I was DEVASTATED!!! I remember coming home after the break up, crying uncontrollably to my mother, and she said to me, "Annie, you wear your heart on your sleeve." I wanted to kick him to the curb because... MY HEART WAS BROKEN! I was angry and hurt.
It was at that moment I decided to REBEL!!!
When you are brokenhearted with a will to "REBEL" what is your definition of love? My self-worth was defined by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people--people with issues just like mine.
Breaking ALL the rules was my new way of life...and I LIKED IT!!!
You get the picture--PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking and drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town--listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading "fashion" magazines.
Believe it or not, this MEDIA--POP CULTURE lifestyle EMBRACED ME...and begun to have a HUGE influence on me!
I was the "PARTY GIRL"! This is when the first of many rapes happened... In the process I became even more hurt, bitter, angry, rejected, LONELY, but most of all, more desperate to find the TRUTH.
I was always chasing just to belong, hungry for acceptance, just to be loved. When I gave my self sexually to men, for that brief moment, I felt "wanted" and "loved"... but if you told me I was beautiful, I wouldn't believe you. I didn't see that when I looked in the mirror. I saw a rejected tramp with a broken heart.
Rejection???
This HURT!!!
So I took POP CULTURE'S PILL... I wanted to try it and see if it really was as "cool" as the TV, music videos and movies portrayed it to be!!! The way that it was presented in the media... if you didn't do what everyone else was doing-by following the "styles" and "trends" and "lifestyle choices," you would be considered a "prude or a "weirdo nerd!"
With my already damaged self-esteem... I wanted to avoid this type of rejection at ALL costs.
I swallowed it WHOLE.
No one told me that I would have to lie about how I felt inside. Because I was striving so hard for success and love in order to remain strong.
I put on a MASK.
I had to wear it continually... pretending everything was "okay." My belief was that if I just put on a pretty smile, everything would be alright. But it wasn't. I kept burying my pain deep inside me. I just kept searching and experimenting, no matter WHAT the cost.
I might not look like it, but I did it ALL! I tell you the truth! Prostitution (street & high class call girl), exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions--yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME... just to name a few...."
You can read the rest on her website. Learn more!! Open your eyes to see the truth.
Annie Lobert's Hookers for Jesus website on Myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=96152370
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